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In 2025, it will have been ten years since my brother David ended his life. His unexpected fate compelled me to reassess my life in all its facets, and I added a mission to help men prevent mental decline. That “something” has taken on various forms, and at the start of this year, I chose the metaphor “rebirth.”
To some extent, we can continue discussing the differences between men and women, which nearly always focus on behavior or appreciation. We rightfully leave biology aside because we are all evolved mammals, defined by self-awareness, free will, and the ability to grasp abstractions—like death.
But men cannot bear children; (most) women can. Period. A man’s body provides many physical advantages, but not the sensation of giving birth, which is, in a sense, a form of rebirth. Men also—often gladly—miss out on the side effects, like menstruation, developing breasts, and eventually menopause. And because I tend to transform everything into a resource, I realized that men can—and should—discover their own forms of rebirth.
Let me be specific. In early 2004, I became a father for the first time. When I held Jan, still purple and new, in my hands, I was overwhelmed by unconditional love for the first time. I hadn’t borne Jan; I wasn’t Jan. Yet everything in me said: this is now your purpose, your destiny, the reason for your existence. I had never felt that before, and it was astonishing when that same sensation repeated itself two and a half years later with Leonoor, Jan’s little sister. Parenthood, in its simple biological essence, brought me a tangible deepening of humanity’s primary task: to give and receive love and safety. Looking back, it was my first rebirth.
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” – Bob Dylan
“Rebirth” is a big word, but I find it more fitting than “transformation.” Yes, I moved from one phase (childless) to another (father), but I also returned to myself. My self: my ego, plus everything swirling in my subconscious. For example, unnoticed principles about fatherhood, likely inherited from my own father. He took pride in waking us at 7 a.m., even on Saturdays, believing every wasted hour was sinful. It took years of fatherhood for me to embrace the idea of a “pajama day” and fully relax at home on weekends with the young family. In doing so, I didn’t transform but rediscovered the child within me, who found the here and now more than enough—a rebirth.
My brother David wasn’t much different from me, yet he died by suicide in May 2015, and I am still here. To keep from going mad over what must have gone through his mind, I began the research that became Man O Man about a year after his death. In an effort to understand why men die by suicide so much more often than women, I turned not only to science but also to myself and courageous widows willing to share their stories. The summary: many men lack access to their emotions, and it breaks them. The solution: better access to emotions.
Another rebirth, if you will, because along the way, I discovered more about what I’m made of, the path ahead of me, and the resources waiting to help me become a more whole Nathan. Someone who has learned to recognize and appreciate his fear, sadness, and anger and who wouldn’t be destroyed by them. Wholeheartedness: perhaps that’s the only task we have as humans. And maybe rebirth upon rebirth is like an infinity loop, requiring us to dive deep repeatedly so we can emerge stronger each time.
Recently, another rebirth presented itself when I asked my doctor about an ADHD diagnosis. I passed with flying colors just before my 53rd birthday and earned an extra compartment in my pillbox. Nothing remarkable, really: apparently, I’d been unconsciously compensating for dopamine shortages for years (I wouldn’t recommend gambling addiction), but I had reached a point where I couldn’t function optimally. Enter the pill to focus, enter the pill to tackle those dreaded chores.
“A man is born three times: once from his mother, once from his father, and finally from his own deepest self.” – Phoenix Opleidingen
Why call it such a big deal? To counter those who think we over-medicalize in the Netherlands. Also, to counter those who claim “everyone has ADHD nowadays.” But mainly because it fits the strategy I outlined above. This was a chance to explore the combination of a healthier dopamine balance and the old-school energetic Nathan. Early wins: finishing more tasks by starting fewer, and not immediately acting or talking as a strategy to make myself seen, but waiting until I’ve thought things through. Peace for me, my loved ones, and, in this case, my colleagues at the Amsterdam University of Applied Sciences.
I explicitly invite men to embrace important moments in their lives—even in hindsight—as rebirths. Thinking with the mind, feeling with the body, and knowing with the heart, they can turn toward what has arisen or is arising. Expected or unexpected, but I suspect your body and heart will tell you which ones matter. And they might lead you to the places where the idea of rebirth—call it renaissance if you prefer, though that feels bourgeois—is hardest to digest. Like experiences of great loss, where absolutely nothing seems reborn. Fully accepting grief creates (though never immediately, always later) more space to accept joy. A kind of reward. And as mentioned, men generally have fewer transformative loss experiences than women. But a man can also reflect on how his relationships have healed him—and, even better, what beauty there is still to create.
Maybe a resolution for this year: to explore life as an irregular sequence of rebirths. For easy inspiration, I suggest men grab their coats, walking shoes, and head outside. There are no better places than the woods, the moors, or the dunes to realize that rebirth is an essence of our existence. But you have to be willing to see, hear, smell, feel, and taste it.
Postscript: At Phoenix Opleidingen in Utrecht, where I gained valuable insights, the following credo has been circulating in men’s work for some time: “A man is born three times: once from his mother, once from his father, and finally from his own deepest self.” And that final birth, I believe, happens in an endless series of cycles.
Find me if you want to explore this.
Man O Man 